


Bad Days

by thiefwithoutaname



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, I wrote this as like a method to vent some of my problems, M/M, Mental Instability, Suicidal Ideation, it's just Juno hating himself it's not that deep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 20:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12801603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thiefwithoutaname/pseuds/thiefwithoutaname
Summary: Juno Steel has depression, and his bad days follow about the same formula every time.





	Bad Days

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry about this, I just feel like garbage and Juno is a massive comfort character for me. Maybe don't read if you're already in a bad mood.

Most days he felt bad, but not everyday was a bad day. But when it was a bad day, everyone would know. 

Juno Steel is not the kind of lady that suffers quietly. He wishes he was, that would make it easier on everyone who puts up with him, but he knows that when it’s a bad day everyone can tell. It’s always the same series of events that play over, like reruns of those shitty soap operas Rita’s always watching. The first part of the day is spent laying in bed. He wakes up too earlier and keeps trying to coax himself back to sleep. Either he does sleep and wakes up an hour later feeling worse than he did before, or he lays in bed feeling sorry for himself for the next several hours. He doesn’t know why he can’t just get up and that only makes him feel worse. He will use his time in bed to marinate in self loathing. 

_C’mon Steel, everyone in the world can get out of bed except you._

_It’s like you’re not even trying._

_What’s the point anyways? We don’t have anywhere important to be_. 

Except he does. He has a job to go to, bad guys to catch, and occasionally a date to go on with his boyfriend. It made him feel even more guilty when his bad days lined up directly with the time Peter spent in Hyperion City with him. Peter was never put out by that sort of thing, rather he spent time instead taking care of Juno in hopes of getting him back to the semi-functional human being he usually is. Juno would apologize profusely and Peter would tell him he has no place he’d rather be. The worst part was that Peter was sincere about it. 

_You’re just a burden._

_Can’t you see you’re holding him back?_

_He’d be better off if you just died._

During part one of his bad day, Juno would think a lot about death. He would consider how he’d like to die, what it would feel like, where he’d go, and always always always what people would think when he was gone. Rita, of course, would bawl her eyes out, but she’d get over it. He saw her when her favorite character from one of her shows died and he figured it’d probably be like that except for maybe a little longer. Mick would be upset, of course, but he always bounces back. Sasha might not even notice, or if she noticed she might not even care. She was right about him, he was selfish. Peter… well it always hurt him to think of what it would do to Peter. 

Peter Nureyev is not the kind of person who bounces back from a loss like that. If you think so, he’s got you fooled. Of course if your whole job description was based on lies and deceit, well, it’s only logical that people would get the wrong idea about you. Peter walked with the confidence and regality of a prince, but Juno knew him. Juno knew that he was a prince and much more beneath that. Peter would break if Juno left him again, he had almost broken the last time. Juno knows Peter needs him just as much as he needs Peter. He thinks about how Peter would react and the disgust with himself for even considering leaving him pulls him out of bed and forces him to get ready. 

Part two of Juno Steel’s bad day is going to work and arguing with Rita. He doesn’t shower, and he might not have showered for a week before, and he certainly hadn’t changed his clothes. He sprays on some perfume and praying that nobody says anything because he knows he smells awful but he’s already late to work and he has to go. He will stumble into the office and be greeted cheerfully by Rita who tries and fails to be quieter because she knows it’s one of _those_ days. He’ll feel insecure about her wanting to treat him any differently, but walk to his office and do the minimum amount of work possible before Rita comes in telling him he should take the day off. He will argue with her for about fifteen minutes before he acquiesces and leaves. He has to argue, it is essential to him at least looking like a responsible human being. Then he sits in his car and sulks for a long time while deciding where to go. 

If he can bare it he’ll head home and sulk on his couch. This is the most common phenomenon, as it is the cheapest and ensures that he ends up at home alright. However, he usually ends up thinking about death again. His other option is going to bar and getting drunk in the late afternoon, which goes against most societal conventions, might get him into trouble, and will definitely be a huge waste of money. He goes to the bar if he thinks he’s going to do something stupid when he goes home which isn’t too often, but often enough that he is considered a regular at the bar. Rarely, Peter will be home to dote on him and he hates that. 

Not that he’s necessarily put off by the idea of getting taken care of, he enjoys it a lot actually. He doesn’t feel like he deserves it. The best way he could describe it is that he is an anchor in Peter’s life, which sounds pretty poetic but the main function of an anchor is to weigh something down. He felt like he was weighing Peter down. Peter could be doing a lot more if he didn’t feel obligated to come and visit Juno so frequently. He was sure that was it, an obligation and an obligation to make sure Juno hadn’t killed himself at that. Juno didn’t deserve Peter’s kindness and Peter shouldn’t have to be weighed down by some worthless example of a detective. 

The final part of the day happens when Juno decides what he’s going to do and goes through with it. It might take him an hour of sitting and sulking in the car, but he eventually has to come to some sort of conclusion. Night comes and by that time Juno’s body is too wracked with exhaustion to deny himself home anymore. He will curl up on the couch or in bed, and lay awake again for hours with anxious thoughts in his head. Traumatic memories bubbling to the surface, keeping him awake and draining him of what little energy he has. He knows all that happened was not his fault, not really in the full sense of the word, but he can’t help but feel responsible. He thinks about his brother and he struggles with the memories alone. 

Then he eventually falls asleep and hopes that the next day he will be able to swallow all that sadness, so he could act normal again.


End file.
